


don't call me baby again

by intoxicatelou



Series: what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas [2]
Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: #JONAN, Accidental Marriage, But Then They Stay Together, Canon Divergence, Dan Egan Has A Heart, Dan Egan Never Left Politics, Forced coming out, Good Morning America, M/M, Post-S7, Selina is Not Amused, Vignette, copious use of the word "fuck"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:55:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22205983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicatelou/pseuds/intoxicatelou
Summary: Dan is spectacularly fucked. Like, brexit level, someone just shit in his coffee, fucked. The dick had used flash and so there was no blur, no denying the cheap gold wedding rings on their fingers, or the size of Jonah’s hand on his ass.
Relationships: Dan Egan/Jonah Ryan
Series: what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598494
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	don't call me baby again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FreeGratis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreeGratis/gifts).



> !! this really got away from me. writing insults is very hard but I love these two fucks more than anything. hope you enjoy recip :)
> 
> title of fic from the song "To Be So Lonely" by harry styles, which I looped while writing this.

Amy’s the first to call him, when the news breaks. 

“Dan.” Amy says, and her voice is a little too shrill, even for her. “Turn on ABC. Please. Dan.” 

“Amy, it’s too early for you to sound like fucking Elmo.” Dan says, wincing a little as she keeps blabbering his name on the other line and pours himself his second cup of coffee. She won’t explain, just keeps urging him to watch ABC. Dan’s got CNN playing in the living room and Anderson Cooper isn’t shooting fire out of his ass talking about POTUS, so he doesn’t know what’s got her so worked up. 

Besides it can’t be as bad as the clusterfuck of last week, when they’d almost lost the votes for the Clean Water bill because Catherine had decided to do a nude photo shoot with Vogue which had made headlines but more importantly really upset some of the more bumfuck Republicans. Of course, Dan had fixed it, otherwise he wouldn’t be sipping his coffee so calmly, but it wasn’t without consequence. He’d been part of some not-so-light DC blackmail that he doesn’t want to think about again unless Selina ever asks, not that she would because it’s not her job to care what her Chief of Staff does as President of The United States as long as it gets the job done because _That’s all that matters at the end of day, Dan, Me and The Legacy of This Fucking Presidency, the rest is just noise_. And that’s what his life is, why he could say “Dan Egan, West Wing” every time he walked past security to work and had that premium parking spot for his Lexus and journalists itching for a comment from him, Chief of Fucking Staff to President Meyer, because Dan, ever so loyal Dan, had listened to Selina rant and rave and throw things at him until he’d finally convinced her that he believed in her batshit vision as much as she did herself. 

And he did, to a certain extent, definitely enough to find out that Senator Howard was a wife-beating child-punching narcissist only to burn the evidence once he’d promised to give Dan the votes he needed to make sure Selina could get one step closer to being the first President to save the babies in Flint from lead poisoning and so what, little Matt Howard had a couple more stitches because of it, so what Maria Howard had to lie there and deal with her husband’s rapey dick for the another ten years? 

Dan wasn’t a saint. He was just trying to do his fucking job.

Anyway. 

“Fine! Okay! I’ll turn ABC on, Jesus fuck Amy, calm down you sound like your mother,” Dan says, after a moment of his mini-thought spiral, and it’s a low blow but it works, she stops talking. He finally grabs the remote and switches to ABC, which is aptly on a commercial break. “I honestly don’t know what was so important that it couldn’t wait the ten minutes it takes me to get to— . ” 

Dan stops talking because somehow, a picture of him holding Jonah Ryan’s hand is on _Good Morning America_ , with the headline “Coming Next: An Exclusive On DC’s Hottest New Power Couple.”

“ _What the fuck,_ Amy _?_ ” Dan hisses, his hand shaking where he was still holding his coffee mug. 

“I don’t know, google says it’s some new segment to boost ratings leading up to Valentine’s Day?” Amy stutters, talking a mile a minute. “Apparently, Robin Roberts does a story on a different high profile couple every week. They did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie last week.”

Dan chokes, and feels the color rise in his face. “But _The Vice President_ and I aren’t a high profile couple, as you know, Amy, since you’re his chief of staff and last time I checked I thought you were well aware of just how I’d rather bareback a ten foot cactus than even talk to Jonah Ryan again.” Dan snarks, “So I’m going to ask you again, _what the fuck is going on?_ ” 

“I don’t know! I don’t know.” She repeats in her nauseatingly shrill voice, before pausing a moment “I mean. I think I do but you’re not going to like it because it’d be a real fucking problem.“

“Amy,” Dan blanches, “Amy this can’t be about — I haven’t told anyone because I’m not fucking stupid but it was your job to make sure _he_ _didn’t_ , not when we’re still waiting for that jizz-brain judge to get back to us with a court date — “

But before he can protest any further, Robin Roberts is back on the screen, smiling next to a montage of photos of Dan and Jonah, some of which are old enough to be from Selina’s VP days. Dan‘s face freezes uncomfortably as he sees one taken right before his melt-down in London, Jonah gesticulating with those deformed giant arms as he walks behind Dan who is clearly ignoring him as he chugs a Red Bull while crossing the street. Somehow the photographer hadn’t caught the moment after, where Dan had turned around and thrown his empty can of redbull directly at Jonah’s large inbred nose. Fucking Photographers, Dan thinks. 

“Today on _My_ _American Valentine,_ we’re talking about another star studded romance but for once not in Hollywood. No, this next couple takes us to the Hill, right in the heart of our nation’s capital.” Robin’s cheery voice cuts in, which doesn’t help soothe Dan’s agitation, if anything it only quadruples the stress.

A picture of Jonah from the inauguration flashes on the screen, and an unbidden part of Dan suddenly can’t help but fixate on how _good_ he looks in the dark blue suit, wearing the glasses that Dan picked out, his hair combed and not looking like the top of a baby duck’s head for once. It’s the same suit he’d brought with him to Vegas a couple weeks ago, for Richard’s bachelor party. It’s barely a thought but enough for Dan’s hands to fly to the inside of his wrist, and pinch himself hard.

“Get a hold of yourself, Egan.” Dan grits out, hoping Amy wasn’t really listening on the other line. 

“We’ve been curious about Vice President Jonah Ryan’s love life for some time now , ever since the abrupt departure of his ex-wife Beth early last year and his decided silence on the matter. He’s declined questions regarding his new single status but the mystery is only working in his favor since Vanity Fair recently listed him as one of the world’s most eligible bachelors.” 

Dan remembers that stupid article, how absolutely fucking thrilled Jonah had been to shove it in Dan’s face. _Suck my fat vice presidential dick, Danny Boy! I’m the White House’s pussy magnet!_

“No matter how intrigued we are, America, we respected Vice President Ryan’s privacy when it came to his romantic affairs. But as the youngest Vice President in history, we couldn’t help but speculate.” Robin says, with a gleam in her eyes and Dan feels sick.

“We’d had our bets of course, on his Chief of Staff, Amy Brookheimer.” A picture of her and Jonah from the campaign comes up , and Dan hears Amy snort on the other line, muttering _delusional fucking delusional I’m not paid enough for this._

_“_ She was his campaign manager when he was running for President early last year, around the same time that SLOTUS-to be Beth Ryan decided to call it quits. Amy even co-managed his first ever campaign for Senate. They’ve always been close, even from their days as respective White house aid and liaison in the Hughes administration, one source told us.”

“Yeah, that’s because we work in the same building, you fucks! It’s politics!” Amy screams, on the other line and Dan pulls the phone farther away from his ear.

  
“Jesus, Ames. Give a guy some warning.” Dan mutters, as Robin continues to spout more AmyJonah (Jony? ) bullshit. 

“When we first reached out to Amy for a comment as we were developing this story months ago she profusely denied any such relationship, but of course, our team didn’t believe her. If Washington is known for anything, it’s a work-place romance, ” Robin says, and Dan can feel Amy visibly squeezing her phone harder. “And while our landing mark might’ve been a little off, our team wasn’t wrong about our original hunch. America, hold on to your seats, because we have proof that the Vice President is linked to a certain chief of staff, just not the one working for him.” Robin’s eyes twinkle, like she’s about to answer the million dollar question of just how fucked Dan is about to be. 

“Last week, we received an exclusive from a Las Vegas wedding photographer who shared never before seen photos of the Vice President Ryan’s recent elopement with none other than President Meyer’s Chief of Staff, Dan Egan.” Robin Roberts announces gleefully, and yep, Dan is fucked, but holds off the bile at the back of his throat because she wouldn’t show the photos, right? Because the news hasn’t gone off that far into the deep end where they would so blatantly violate a leader of the free world’s privacy —

“The photos were so moving, we knew we had to share it with you guys, just in time for Valentine’s day.” Robin’s enthused voice chimes in, slicing through all of Dan’s panic defense mechanisms, as not one, not two, but an entire fucking montage of Dan kissing Jonah Ryan in a shitty casino chapel fills the screen. 

Dan is spectacularly fucked. Like, brexit level, someone just shit in his coffee, fucked. The dick had used flash and so there was no blur, no denying the cheap gold wedding rings on their fingers, or the size of Jonah’s hand on his ass. 

“Oh my god.” Amy says, and Dan’s picking up levels of disgustment and shock, even though she was only one who really knew before _Good Morning America_ had publicly fucked Jonah and him on national television. Dan had only told her because he didn’t trust Jonah to keep his massive overbite shut and if Selina had pulled some shit like this, he’d want to know too, as her chief of staff. 

“Dan. You didn’t tell me you hired _a fucking photographer_ . _”_ Amy’s voice is climbing octaves with each syllable. 

“Because I didn’t hire him, Jonah did!” Dan says defensively, the panic evident in his tone. Maybe he’d left out a couple details about the wedding, when he’d called her the next morning so hung over and sore and fucking embarassed but it’s not like Amy needed to know at the time. But clearly they have bigger problems now, considering the entire country knew he was married to _The Vice President_ and here Amy was, interrogating him about the idiot photographer. 

“The chapel had this whole package deal and as you know, rocks for brain Jonad paid for everything with that stupid black card you finally got him, so you know what Amy this whole shit show is actually your fucking fault,” Dan seethes, his eyes blurry with tears, “Because I never fucking wanted to go to Vegas with that cum stain of a Vice President but _you_ had to go get Selina involved so I couldn’t— oh fuck me”.

Amy sounds surprisingly neutral when she says, “Selina’s calling isn’t she.” And instead of waiting for Dan to answer just says, “Fuck you, Dan.” before hanging up promptly.

Dan sinks till he’s sitting on his kitchen floor, his Ralph Lauren pants be damned because these were the dark ages. His hands shake when he answers the call, putting his phone on speakerphone. 

“President Meyer” Dan says, swallowing hard, before Selina’s fake-cheery voice cuts in.

“Hi Dan. Congrats on the newly married life. Hope I’m not interrupting your honeymoon, but I was wondering if you could answer just a teensy tiny question that Mike’s been fielding from the press all morning.” 

“Ma’am —” Dan stutters, but Selina’s cutting him off. 

“Dan, you’re my chief of staff. And I gave you that job the second we won Ohio, did I not? You were right there next to me, sipping a vodka soda. I remember Dan, because it was the single greatest moment of my entire fucking life. I was going to be president because _you_ made it happen. I’ve gone on record about this, in the profile the New Yorker did about me last month. I even said —” 

  
“That the Meyer Presidency could not function without Dan Egan,” Dan quotes, remembering how fucking hot that paragraph had got him. It pushed all of his buttons, a moment which rivaled the feeling when he got to officially change his Linkedin status to “Chief of Staff, White House.” 

“Exactly,” Selina says, cut-throat sharp and Dan suddenly remembers why they’re on the phone again. “We’re close, Dan, wouldn’t you say? Close enough that you’d invite me to your wedding, especially when the husband-to-be happens to be my _Vice President._ ” She spits out. 

“I — Ma’am — “ Dan sputters, and feeling his pulse flutter like that time in London. 

“So why didn’t you Dan? _Why didn’t you invite me to your gay fucking wedding?”_ Selina screams, so angry that Dan’s really glad he’s sitting down because of the black spots dancing in front of his eyes. “Because I’ve got CNN, CBSN, ABC, all asking the same fucking question except their answer is that it’s because I’m a homophobic hag who doesn’t make her own Chief of Staff feel comfortable enough to marry who he wants!” 

“But what about Catherine? And Marjorie. Your voting record isn’t brilliant, but your daughter is a married lesbian. And you’re okay with it.” Dan replies, already turning his work-brain on no matter how much he wants to crawl into his bathtub and cry. 

“They don’t care, Dan. They don’t fucking care because it was years ago, and I wasn’t president then.” Selina yells, and Dan winces because she’s right. The media ran on twenty-four hour cycles, 2017 might as well have been a lifetime away. 

“I’ll go on the record. This — It’s all a drunk misunderstanding. Besides, we’re getting a divorce.” Dan says, grasping for straws. 

“Oh no, you’re not.” Selina hisses, “What you are going to do is find the Vice President, bring him to my office and then we’re going to plan your fucking wedding reception.” 

“Wedding reception?” Dan stutters, and Selina hardly misses a beat. “Don’t get too excited, Dan. What I really want to do is fire you but that might look like work place discrimination.” She sighs, “Kent says we have to get behind this right now before the inbred bigots get any more ideas. Besides, the first gay wedding reception at the White House will keep the media fed for weeks to come.” 

“What about Jonah? I don’t think —” Dan starts and Selina just laughs, a harsh and cold sound. 

“Don’t even worry about that. This is in his best interest, Jonah’s approval ratings have never been higher even though this whole queer clusterfuck is tanking my entire legacy. Anyway, just get here as soon as fucking possible.” Selina doesn’t wait for him to respond, just hangs up with a sharp click. 

Dan barely hears her hang up over the blood rushing in his ears. He checks his notifications, and of course, his twitter is blowing up. #JONAN was trending with everyone re-sharing the Good Morning America photos. Not to mention, he’s got a missed call from his mother, who he hasn’t talked to since last Christmas. 

His bisexuality hadn’t been a secret exactly, but when Dan imagined he’d fuck his way to the top, Jonah Ryan never made the list. And now here he was, married to the first gay Vice President. 

It was ridiculous, but Selina had made up her mind and it didn’t matter what Dan thought because at the end of the day, she wasn’t just his boss she was POTUS. He’ll call the Judge to cancel the hearing date and unfile the case. But right now, Dan rubs a hand over his face, stands up, and finishes his now cold coffee before grabbing his keys to drive to Jonah’s brownstone. 

He’s got a husband to wrangle. Through sickness and health, and until death do them part. 

  
  



End file.
